[This is not the original "Universal Break-up Card" that first appeared in February 2003. The original had a bunch of typos and spelling errors I'm really embarrassed about. So, I made some tweaks and edited out jokes I thought didn't work.]

Dear ______________________________,

I’m breaking up with you because:

____ 1. You’re not into “Surprise Consensual Sex” like I am.

____ 2. I want to explore new people.

____ 3. Professional wrestlers are more sensitive than you are.

____ 4. I slept with your best friend / dog / sister / neighbor.

____ 5. It’s not you, it’s me. I’m a double agent and have to rescue the President.

____ 6. I’m actually not straight / gay. Fooled you!

____ 7. I keep thinking about your mother / father / best friend / cow / next door neighbor when we’re doing it.

____ 8. You refuse to flush the toilet / shave / masturbate / shower / clip your toe nails.

____ 9. I’m prejudiced against ____________________, so this isn’t going to work.

____ 10. You’re  so awful in bed that I’m taking a vow of celibacy. Thanks to you, I know I’m not going to be missing much.

____ 11. You told my parents we “fuck like monkeys” and now they won’t let me see you.

____12. You’re cheap. I don’t want much, but c’mon!

____13. I pissed off the mob / government / terrorists / rap musicians and have to run for my life.

____14. You’re leaving for college / the military / prison, and I don’t feel like waiting.

____15. I’ve been indicted for War Crimes.

____16. He / She is much better looking than you.

____17. This sleazy guy / girl convinced me you’re a waste of my time and I’m going to hook up with them instead. They also convinced me to smoke pot.

____18. I’ve seen fourth graders smarter than your friends, at least the fourth graders can spell “college” correctly.

____19. You’re from New Jersey / Canada / The South

____20. I love my cat / dog / sex slave more than you.

____21. I was blind when we started dating but now that my sight is back? I’m out.

____22. I’m shallow and want a guy / girl with lots of money. Like, Richie Rich kind of money.

____23. I rather make out with an electrical socket.

____24. You’re standing in the way of my dream job: Professional Whore.

____25. I got into your porn folder and now feel like my life is in danger.

Sincerely,

__________________________________

posted: 11 December 17
under: Classics